reasons i am a terrible person pt. 1 // confessions

Hey James,

You do some pretty terrible things, which is dumb and stupid and won’t do anyone or anything any good.

Please, Please, PLEASE for the love of food stop the following:

Censoring yourself in the way you do; saying crude words is not a reasonable alternative to swear words. Using “What the fart!?”, “Oh, you butt!” and “Poo off” is not excusable for any reason, they are not appropriate exclamations in any situation and will just make you look like a creep in front of people who don’t yet know how crude you really are, so please, please, please. STOP.

Chewing everything. I mean come on, are you a baby? Are you teething? You shouldn’t still be chewing up pen grips and eating the rubbers off the ends of lead pencils. That just can’t be good for your digestive system… Not to mention the pens/pencils afterwards! Just please, I know you won’t stop for me, but think of the stationary that you say you love so much… How are you making them feel?

Eating.  It’s pushing it to say “Just one more…”, but when you have like 5 cookies a day, 3 with drinks and 2 just on their own, you aren’t exactly in a “grey area” anymore… You’re too fat to be even in the same ballpark as that! Unless you want to be featured on the next season of the biggest loser, just stop… I am not even going to ask nicely with this one, just stop you freak!

Grouching. You have always reacted poorly to stuff, been a little sulky at worst, but this just tips the iceberg. When someone “does something bad to you”, and then you just leave the situation, that’s fine. You’re doing great. STOP, right at that point. Do not then go on for the next half hour imagining a fantastical situation where you are arguing and winning. Granted your arguments are great and you are just practising for later, but still… It’s not brave to fight with an imaginary person… If you aren’t willing to fight with someone, don’t do it to an imaginary version of them who sucks at arguing.

Drinking. You hardly ever drink water from the tap, you just have a lot of teas and coffees, which is not okay. You’re not only weakening the effects that tea and coffee have on you, but you are also displenishing your stronghold of tea bags or coffee grinds, which leads to a sadder you overall. Limit yourself to one cup of coffee and tea a day. Respect that rule or stop drinking them entirely.

If you respect these rules and adapt yourself enough to overcome these transgressions, it will lead to a happier you, a happier family, a happier household and a lot more tea and coffee in the long run. And who doesn’t want that?

However, if you choose to continue on this path. If you still willingly break these rules, you will force me to do something I really do not want to do…

No coffee… Is that what you want James? Will that make you happy?

Please consider my conditions or suffer the consequences.

Yours truly,

James Patmore.


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