Older, Younger || A poem and it’s meaning
As you get older you’re meant to develop, and I am. My body is getting taller faster than I’d like but something doesn’t feel right. Although my body is maturing, my mind seems to stay immature. I am still not in control of my emotions; I get sulky, I get angry to the point of me trying not to lash out at the person/thing that angers me, I am still as crude as a first-grader.
I do things and say things and act and react ways which aren’t appropriate.
I live for entertainment and fun, and that means that I don’t do any work because that’s “boring”. I am not looking for longterm satisfaction, but shorter term, which makes me impulsive and spontaneous. I still have no clue what I am going to do with my life, I don’t even know what my interests and/or hobbies are. I don’t have much/any experience with responsibility. I disrespect people, judge them, even choose which ones I like and dislike. How can you choose to dislike someone? They are literally just living their life, trying to find answers like you. Whether those answers are different or the same, why is it that I can choose to like one person, and despise the next. I am only fifteen and yet I think I have changed more this year than I have in the last four. I can see my flaws and work towards the goal of being the person I want to be, and yet as soon as humour or satisfaction is achievable, I jump to it without any thought of consequences, just completely do a 180 and forget my goals. The purpose of this is to remind me to be the me I let others see.
Older – Younger | Poem by Brynnley Young:
I don’t know how to pour stuff out onto the page because when I try I get lost with structures and editing. I want to write poems because they are such a beautiful way to show other people imagery with meaning yet their structure is so restricting and I have not clue how to write it.
I need to learn how to get it all out because I still have so much stuff to say that I haven’t, and it’s because of this that I feel like you don’t know me, that you never really can.
I am not good at anything, literally everything I do I short lived. I never stick to one thing, I just get excited with ideas and act out on them impulsively. It’s this kind of living which has led to temptation and other long words to being able to get the better of me, I have trained myself to act out on ideas without caring about the consequences until after. But that is a different problem as to the one I am talking about now.
I literally can’t do anything.
I always do and will feel like I suck… like I am unprofessional, unsuccessful, dumb, lame and just useless. I never can stay at anything because I like the idea I have in my head much more than the product and I just can never finish it.
Even as I write this, I feel like I am just being stupid and wasting my time. My thoughts are swimming past me way too quickly that it’s hard to get them all out before I just move on to the next “idea” as to where this rant will go.
I don’t want to rant, I want to explain and just learn about me and just i don’t even know.
Everything I do feels messy, rushed, rash, ugly, dumb, stupid. I can safely say there is nothing I have done before that I am proud of.
My life at the moment doesn’t mean anything, I am just living for entertainment meaning that I never get any work done.
I feel so crooked, sitting still on my couch. My skin is tingling as if all my limbs have fallen asleep, I feel like I need to yawn, shiver and cry and scream at the same time.
I am judging myself for writing even that because I feel like I am trying to be dramatic.
I just need to change.
I need to work out who I am as a person, what I actually like and dislike, what my hobbies are, what I believe and what I have to give up.
Nothing about my blog other than the looks/synthetics am I proud of.
I feel like I literally suck at everything. When I get praise or support or compliments, that is just people being nice, not honest. I feel like I have no strengths and I just can never be the man I want to be, the man god wants me to be or the man my family deserves me to be.
I will always be James.
The boy who will do anything to get attention, even going so far as to shave his own head. The boy who is as crude as a toddler, yet no matter how hard he tries to get rid of that about him, he will revert to it as soon as he wants to. The boy who never works, is always behind in school, fails classes, never does his homework, never learns, is dumb and will never get a job or succeed in life. For goodness sakes, he doesn’t even know what job he wants!
I will always be James.
The boy who goes to church on Sunday, but is only a Christian then. The arse who manhandles and bullies his siblings for whatever reason he chooses. Power, Humour, Entertainment. The boy who, the second his sister tells him not to rush ahead into things and to wait until they can sort out what to do with the study, will go into the toilet room to have a sulk for the next ten minutes.
I will always be James.
The boy who gets ideas. Who has an awesome imagination and ideas that he knows would be great if he only knew how to get those ideas on to paper, onto screen onto something. The boy whose ideas will never be applied because he has no tallents.
The boy who can’t write. The boy who can’t sing. The boy who is not fit. The boy who go to old too quickly and should be becoming a young man but stays the same young boy.
The boy who feels so slow at the moment when everything inside him is going too quickly. The boy who feels like he just needs to stop because he is getting scared of what he is writing down but it just keeps coming out. The boy who feels like he wants to cry and scream like he has to do something big to put what he is feeling into action. The boy who wants to succeed yet believes he can’t.
I will never reclaim my closed up lost dreams. I will never be who I wish I was. I will never be as good as my siblings are. I will never be an amazing person because I am me.
I am James Patmore.
And I need to go to bed… Kids can’t stay up past their bedtimes, no matter how tall they are.
I could literally keep going. I don’t feel satisfied. I don’t feel finished. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and pathetic but I feel like I have so much more to say but I can’t because this is already way long than I was expecting.
I have only just scratched the surface as to what has been building up this past month, but this is where I will end for now.
I am James Patmore, I will not do anything rash or dangerous as a result of this, I just feel like I am not advancing, I am still that same young little boy as I was yesterday and last decade.
Even still, I don’t hate myself. I am strong, I have an amazing god, I have an amazing family, I love my friends, I love my life and I would never do anything that I thought would hurt or endanger that.
I am James Patmore.
I am going to sleep now, so I won’t see your comments till tomorrow, but until then, Good night, sweet dreams and au revoir.
Talk to you then,
I am, have and always will be James Patmore.